Heroic Mothers

You won’t read about her in history books.
In fact, you almost wouldn’t read about her at all, except for one small thing; her son mentioned her. I was interviewing her son and daughter-in-law about their experiences growing up in segregated East Texas for a series I am doing on African American high schools in our region.
It turns out his mom sowed the seeds of justice in his heart in the 1950s when he was just a young kid.
What she did was simple.
She loaded up a pickup truck with every brave soul she could find who would participate in her well-intentioned misadventure.
She was the mother of eleven children; I admire her courage for that alone.
The pickup was loaded with a cargo of humans who were mostly her offspring and a few close friends who didn’t have the heart to say no to this determined woman. The stakes were high for her, based on who was in the back of that truck.
Their small band of parents and children, not much of an army, stormed the Brownsboro school district’s administration building in broad day light, walked right into the Superintendent’s office, and demanded enrollment with the white students of Brownsboro Independent School District.
David and Goliath. No odds maker in his right mind would take that bet.
In fact, nothing much changed.
Some of her neighbors thought she was crazy for stirring up trouble and they didn’t mind telling her so, but that was about it.
Nothing changed, except for the seeds planted in the hearts of her kids.
She didn’t know she was heroic.
Gertrude Cofer Evans of Moore Station, Texas.
Remember that name.
Not because she would want the attention. Not because you’ll ever see it in a history book.
But because she stood up for what was right.
And she taught her kids do so.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Taxpayer should hold the right people accountable for education

With all the talk about education funding in the Texas legislature, here’s my question: Why should school districts be saddled with accounting for decisions that are simply not theirs to make.
For a close to home example, take Bullard. Last spring, I watched in fascination as Bullard ISD received a lower than expected rating due to drop out rates.
Really? And just who makes the decision to drop out?
In a flurry of accounting and research, the Bullard ISD was able to prove that of the unaccounted for students, some had transferred and some were homeschooling. On appeal, the official rating was raised. Unofficially, everyone in Bullard knew what was obvious; I have interviewed countless people who volunteer that they moved to Bullard for the excellent public schools.
Most the East Texas home educators I know - and I know plenty because I have homeschooled along the way – would view it as an intrusion of their God-given rights to have the public school district come sniffing around.
Imagine how intrusive it would seem, if you had already enrolled your child in another town far away? Weird.
Burdening the school district with the need to track down private citizens and get information from them about personal decisions is just plain silly. It is also an expensive and time-consuming task that distracts from the real responsibility of educating those who show up for class.
Education is the function of the school system. Truancy, juvenile delinquency, and child protection are functions of the justice system.
The truth is, education is a function of the family, but that’s a whole ‘nother column.
As citizens, we owe it to ourselves to get that straight.
One of the symptoms of the entitlement culture we’ve become in America, is the confusion about personal responsibility.
When we let our legislators pass laws that hold the wrong people responsible for actions, like holding districts responsible for the decisions of parents and their children, we are behaving in a very co-dependant way as a culture. As if someone could control the behavior of another individual or be held responsible for decisions they did not make.
Anyway, do we really want our ISDs used in a semi-law-enforcement kind of way, investigating private citizen’s lives?
No wonder students get the idea that they have a right to an education. They think they are entitled because taxpayers are not voting with clarity on this issue.
Make no mistake, though, education is a privilege, not an entitlement.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Power of the Spoken Word

As a parent, if you learn anything in life, you learn that teenagers are full of truth.
‘Course it can come at the most unexpected times and in the most unusual ways.
“People can use their words for good, of course, but they can also use them for destruction,” said my current favorite teenager on the way to middle school one morning.
Really? Did he really just open up that conversation, I thought, as I grappled with the idea that we were fixing to have a serious discussion before I finished my first cup of caffeine.
His point was simple.
He had been observing at school that while kids were frequently just awful with the stuff they said to each other – no news there – that, well, a kind word could give vision to a kid who didn’t have many positive thoughts directed his way.
It reminded me that God’s word is a two-edged sword, but in a different kind of way.
Both “sword edges” of God’s word are for good because He is Himself good.
Whether His word convicts our hearts or confirms our wholesome convictions, His message serves us in good ways. Always, His thoughts and His ideas are for the benefit of those who love Him.
At the same time, His message is also always for the benefit of those who reject Him. Even as people run from God and reject Him, He still seeks them out in love.
In other words, because God is wholly good, His message is good at every level and in every way for anyone, even those who hate Him. He is just that good.
On the other hand, people are not 100% good. Basically, our words are a two- edged sword that reflects the duality of our nature – the desire to be selfish and the desire to be unselfish.
Is there any place where that is more obvious than middle school?
“I just told him he is intelligent, Mom,” said my son, “I don’t think many people tell him that.”
Using truth to create hope.
What a truth-full teenager!
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Blame Now; Credit Later

“I’ll take the blame now because it will be credit later,” said the father of my children, amidst the protests of an unhappy family including me.

Now we quote him on a regular basis when decisions require a backbone.

My own dad has some gem-dandy ways of making us think.

“Will it matter in two years?” was his favorite response whenever I worried about the trials teenagers face in high school.

When folks are unkind to us now, I quote my dad to my kids as we walk away. “They probably have hemorrhoids,” was his way of telling us as kids to be patient because you never know what personal stuff might be going on in someone’s life to make ‘em cranky.

Since college students often get bogged down in choosing what they believe to be their life-long career, my dad also gave my kiddoes some sage advice when they started college, “Set a goal and change it if you change your mind.” He told them that in the long run they would get farther by moving ahead, rather than wavering in uncertainty.

What are some other favorite words from dads?

"I love you and I'm proud of you!" answered a friend of mine who is well respected in newspaper circles, is an ex-coach, and happens to be a nurturing person himself.

Another well-known and well-loved friend wrote this: "There are many... but first comes to mind the very last words he spoke to me. The day before he died, I was sitting on his hospital bed. He leaned over, hugged me, and said, "I'm proud of you, sugar.""

It seems there is a correlation between nurturing dads and success, doesn’t there?

Speaking of success and wise perspectives, one friend added this: "After dropping by yesterday and getting up to leave (his dad said)- "No need to hurry, why don't you stay a little longer?""

“Are you okay?” is the first question that my husband remembers clearly when as a teenager he called his dad to report that he had just wrecked the car.

Which brings me back to my husband’s comment about blame and credit.

Dads who are willing to take a hit - out of conviction about what is best for their kids - get kudos at the finish line.

Happy Father’s Day to all, especially my own dad.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

How to Raise Faithful Kids

Our family adopted a beautiful, smart black and white Border Collie from a rescue shelter for our son when his big sisters left for college a few years ago.

We brainstormed and came up with a list of fifty or so names, including terrific choices like “Scout” from To Kill a Mockingbird.

“Lucy. I want to name my dog after my wife,” demanded the 8-year-old, proud new owner of man’s best friend.

I’m not sure how that’s going to work out, but the dog’s name is Lucy. Up until that moment, it had also been his prayer nickname for his future spouse.

So, how do you teach a child to care about someone they haven’t met yet?

-Teach your kids the true answers to the question, “How does God define marriage?” This includes answers to questions like, “When is a marriage official in God’s sight?” and “What are God’s purposes for marriage?”

-Don’t wait until they are teenagers to think and talk about their future spouses. Begin today.

-Be reasonable and consistent about dating. All kids need some social interaction, but do they really need to be alone as a couple in a car? Group activities are so much healthier and more practical than pairing up.

-Set a high standard for yourself as a parent. Be strict with yourself about how you interact with your co-workers and friends of the opposite sex.

-Say encouraging things to your kids, like “Your future spouse is out there right this minute” or “Your school friends may be the ones to introduce you to your future spouse” or my personal favorite, “Would you really want your friends telling her that you crushed on every girl in middle school?”

-Have fun as a family. Welcome your children into the social aspects of your life when they are small and they’ll be more likely to include you in their lives when they are teens. Make life fun.

I can’t wait to meet my future daughter-in-law. I just hope her name isn’t really Lucy. It could be awkward.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Nice Girls and Sexual Harassment

What in the world is wrong with this character?!

I was entranced at a party recently as a twenty-something friend put off the advances of a too attentive young man.

I wanted her to bust his chops and put an end to our misery, but she was way too nice.

He was so focused that he didn’t notice that her friends, and at least one middle-aged mom-type, were paying close attention to his every move.

I have another twenty-something friend who quit her job rather than confront a guy at work who came on too strong.

So, here’s what I have to say to nice girls, “Quit being so nice!”

How? Here are some suggestions:

-Carry a knife in your purse. Nothing says “get out of my bubble” like cleaning your fingernails with a big, macho pocketknife. Just remember to leave it at home when you go to the airport.

-Ask a simple question, “Did you play football?” No matter how he answers the question, twirl around in “stiff arm” position and explain that he is taking a chance if he gets any closer than that.

-Sneak attacks? Don’t you just hate it when guys think they can approach you from the back and get in uncomfortably close? There’s a simple solution to that problem. Twist around quickly, put a knee in his groin and then say, “Oops! Did I hurt you?”

-Door strategy. If the guy stands in the doorframe of your car to prevent you from leaving, hit the alarm button on your key fob. Then say, “Back up please, I am leaving. NOW. That’s the signal.”

-Psychological warfare. Any guy that says, “You’re not nice,” is being manipulative. Your answer to that is “No, I am certainly NOT nice. Thank you for noticing.”

-Clarify the rules. Say exactly what you want him to know. For example, “Did I say you could enter my personal bubble?”

Most of the time you can clarify the rules with a simple statement as long as you smile. If you don’t laugh people will feel threatened, especially if you are cleaning your fingernails or picking your teeth with your bad-ass knife.

One last thought, if your mother would be offended about the way he’s acting, you should be, too. And it is best to let him know it. With a nice smile, of course.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Dyslexia is a Blessing

Dyslexia is a blessing.

It does not seem that way in 1st and 2nd grade when your child comes home with big red X’s on his paper because he wrote a 2 where his brain was thinking of a 6.

It does not seem that way in 3rd grade when he’s the only one in the classroom who can’t read his assignments so you are spending your weekends catching him up by reading each and every chapter to him out of textbooks.

There was a day when ISD administrations were slow to take up the issue of dyslexia because it represented a new expense, another burden. Fifteen or twenty years ago, a handful of parents fought hard to make special training for dyslexic students happen in our area.

What a blessing for those of us who have come afterward.

Fortunately those parents discovered a fabulous program, developed by Scottish Rite which is now the benchmark for all that followed.

“Dyslexia is a learning disorder that affects approximately 10 percent of children,” according to the Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children website, http://www.tsrhc.org/dyslexia-educator-center.htm. “Those diagnosed with dyslexia have trouble connecting sounds to letter symbols. This affects the way children with dyslexia learn to read and spell.”

“Well, no dah!” I would have shouted at my computer screen a few years ago, fearing my son would never read, never keyboard, never have a chance at college.

“Children with dyslexia can learn to read and be successful despite their learning differences. Fortunately, major strides have been made in understanding the language-based disorder, many of them at Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children,” says the article.

Dyslexia does not seem like a blessing at first. It seemed overwhelming.

Therein lies the problem: We tend to protect our children from any form of discomfort. Most parents, including me, don’t usually see challenges as a blessing.

Especially if those challenges involve making the parent (me) uncomfortable!

Later, when we begin to see how much fortitude our dyslexic child has gained in the process of learning to compensate, suddenly our viewpoint may start to change.

When we see success.

When we see his willingness to work harder than everybody else. Then the realization dawns that dyslexia has turned out to be a blessing.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Less Fat, More life

DIET is a four-letter word.

Imagine the frustration that word is stirring up in the heart of a teenager who was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure; a problem that temporarily bumped him out of the sports he loves and landed him in the hospital. Bummer.

Life is not fair.

His mom happens to have a friend who is a self-trained expert on how to fail at every diet. That would be me. I have a wealth of unwanted experience about trimming the fat and upping the nutritional value of my calories.

In honor of my friend’s son, here are the things that turn out to be kinda easy:

-Google all the fast food restaurants and pick out one item you like on each menu that is less than 300 calories, maybe a little more for guys. That way you’ll have a “safe” choice when you are hanging out with your friends. You’ll be surprised; who knew a small cup of slaw could pack a whopping 600 calories.

-Pick out a sugarless jam or jelly to eat on your toast instead of butter. This can cure a sweet tooth.

-Spread a teaspoon of peanut butter or Neufchatel on a whole-wheat cracker or flat pretzels if you find yourself craving fat. Or choose avocado because it will give you a dose of potassium and you can add onions and tomatoes and have guacamole.

-Teenagers always love Rotel dip, but add a can of vegetarian refried beans and at least get a little real food in there with the Velveeta.

-Keep boiled eggs in the fridge. Cut them in half and throw away half the yoke.

-My friend who is a personal trainer tells me that people who are successful at losing weight keep diaries of what they eat each day. I can’t seem to be that organized more than one week at a time, so I just do it every other week. To me, overeating is a lot like when folks quit smoking for a week, that’s still a week less lung pollution or a week of eating for good health. It can’t hurt.

-Find some easy, crock pot recipes, like lo-cal lo-fat soups, so when you walk in your door tired and hungry the smell that greets you will be temptingly healthy.

-Invest in a sturdy, non-stick skillet.

-Experiment to find the changes your family might not notice, like tossing a few tablespoons of bran or oatmeal into your regular baking recipes. Or replacing some of the butter with small amounts of olive oil.

No, there’s nothing earth shaking on this list; just a few easy changes that your family might be willing to swallow, like drinking more water and less soda pop.

Who knows? A few less calories today might mean a longer, healthier life for the whole family.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

The Painless Perfect Pizza Crust List

Nothing says welcome home like pizza! Or TV night in front of the fireplace.

This time of year, warm homemade pizza is a family night waiting to happen, especially if the crust is easy and everybody pitches in to create individual designer pizzas.

The secret to a good crust is in greasing the pan with olive oil and sprinkling it with corn meal instead of flour.

Here’s a list of easy crusts available in our local grocery stores. Pre-made crusts are easiest, of course, but the mixes are easy, too, and have the advantage of saving money. 1 star means no thanks, 5 stars means Bon appétit!

-Jiffy Pizza Crust Mix. Tastes too much like Bisquick for our family. Serves 1 teenage boy. 2 stars.

-Valutime Crispy Pizza Crust Mix. The kids liked this one best, but the adults thought it was too limp. Serves 1 teenage boy. 3 stars.

-Martha White Pizza Crust Thin & Crispy Mix. This was the adult favorite because it held its shape and tasted of yeast, instead of baking soda. Serves 1 teenage boy. 4 stars.

-Pillsbury Pizza Crust Classic. This one is definitely the easiest, but most expensive of the ones you have to spread yourself. It has a good texture, but tastes a little biscuit-y for me. Serves 2 teenage boys. 3 stars.

-Brookshire’s Facochia Bread. Add 8 ounces of grated cheese on top and a salad and you have a meal for four. 5 stars.

-Mama Mary’s 100% Whole Wheat Pizza Crusts. Too dry. Teenage boys won’t eat it. 1 star.

-Boboli Original Pizza Crust. For the money, I prefer mix and bake styles. They taste fresher.

Other things Italian:

-We tried two varieties of Alessi Breadsticks, Grissini Torinesi Rosemary or Garlic. The garlic ones are traditional, a little thicker. (2 stars). The Rosemary ones are very thin, delicious, and wrapped in individual servings, easy to pack in lunches. (5 stars).

-World Classics Artichoke Antipasto. I saved so much on crusts, I couldn’t resist trying this little jar of goodness, even though it was a splurge. I sampled it as a spread on toast (2 stars), with pasta (3 stars), and as a hot artichoke dip mixed with cream cheese and topped with parmesan (5 stars). I recommend it as a hostess gift, too.

Designer pizzas are a fun, inexpensive, easy way to bring your whole family into the warmth of the kitchen on winter nights.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

People-Watching to the Sound of a Bell

I saw two fragile little gals with walkers, the fancy kind with a seat and four wheels, who braved the crowds to be with loved ones.

I saw grandmothers with daughters and granddaughters, three generations of women reflecting strong genetic similarities, mutually committed to the afternoon’s purpose.

I heard patient husbands sound the familiar honk that signaled where they were waiting in the parking lot.

I saw infants in strollers, sleeping soundly through the hubbub all around them.

I saw teenage boys with their arm around mom, giving her their most convincing, charming arguments of persuasion.

I saw giggly teenage girls walking past in craft-inspired flip flops.

I saw a glamorous middle-aged lady with lots of bling in zebra print leggings.

I saw brothers and cousins in overalls carrying heavy packages for the ladies to the pick-up truck.

I saw elementary school children, too many to count, give their parents a significant look as they walked past me.

I heard laughter and joking.

I saw newly-weds reach deep in the pockets of their sweat pants for change to share.

I saw genteel, kindly grandfathers, many of whom had hosted lunch for the whole family, open leather wallets stuffed full of crisp bills.

I heard one young man ask his mom, “What about the change left over from Dairy Queen, Mom?”

I saw toddlers too small to see the top of the kettle stretch to put their first pennies and nickels in.

I saw young mothers begin the process of teaching their kiddoes that there are people in our community that don’t have what they need and that sharing is a good thing.

When I called out the familiar “God bless you,” one lady respond that she certainly needed God’s blessing.

I saw and heard all of this in two short hours on the day I rang the bell for the very first time in my life.

When my relief crew came, it was a spritely, sweet grandmother who claimed that the two teenage granddaughters she brought with her “came all the way from Arizona to ring the bell.”

I hear the Salvation Army still has some places left for those willing to volunteer a few hours of their time. Contact Cindy Bell with The Salvation Army, 903.592.4361.

So much to see and hear in only a few short hours.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Self-Segregation

It’s a strange, but folks in East Texas tend to be self-segregating.
If anybody can explain this phenomenon, I sure wish you’d write in and educate me. I don’t get it.
I was reminded of how hard it is to break old patterns last year when I pulled up to drop off my son on the first day of middle school.
“It’s a third, a third, a third,” was the answer when we asked about the demographics of the school. In other words, the school is pretty nearly equally populated with white kids, black kids, and Latino kids.
Heck, I don’t even know the politically correct way to describe the groups. Caucasian? African American? Hispanic? Whatever.
Personally, just cus a person’s skin is pigment-challenged does not mean they relate to some region in Eastern Europe. I generally describe my ethniticity as Texan and leave it at that. I even write Texan in the box marked “other.”
Anyway, this mix of demographics seemed like one of the advantages to us in choosing a school for our son. Since he is a people person, we saw the advantage to him of learning to be comfortable with folks from all backgrounds with varying perspectives.
But on the first day of school, there it was plain as day. Yep, we’re in East Texas all right.
“See how the kids divide themselves into groups. The white kids are over there. The black kids are over there. And the Latino kids are in the middle,” I pointed out the obvious to my son as we pulled up in front of the school.
I really hated to call attention to the fact. I felt a piece of his childhood would be over forever when he recognized that there were self-imposed differences. It would complicate friendships that in elementary school had been unpolluted by race issues.
On the other hand, I couldn’t see any advantage in pretending that the lines don’t still exist. Within days, he would get the picture clearly from kids who would try to keep him on his side of the divide.
“Your job this year is to cross-pollinate as many friendships as you can. Seek out friends from each group, please, and honor your friends to each other.”
And than I added the phrase I send him off with every school day.
“Oh yeah, don’t forget, you’re the best young man in the whole world.”
So, okay, maybe I’m a little prejudiced on that particular point, but, hey, I’m a mom.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Pledge to the Moms of Girls

Here’s my pledge to girls’ moms: “I promise to teach my son that breaking your daughter’s heart is a big no-no.”
Having raised two girls I have some pretty strong feelings on the subject.
So does my husband and all his friends with daughters. Their ideas usually involve starting to polish their guns on the day that first baby daughter was born.
“Well, how do you expect them to find a husband if they don’t date?” asked countless parents surprised when they learned that we didn’t see the point of dating.
“How does dating a thousand Mr. Wrongs get them any closer to Mr. Right?” I always asked, but apparently that is a trick question because no one ever bothered answering.
Now the shoe is on the other foot, and I am trying hard to teach my son to be faithful to a wife he doesn’t know yet.
Apparently, I’m not the only mom that has noticed that girls can be aggressive, even in middle school.
If you have a daughter that age, she may be interested in what moms like me are telling our sons:
-Yes, son, many of the girls are annoying because they are so boy-crazy. Please be kind to them as you ignore them.
-When a girl hangs around and acts silly, please say something clear, but gentle like, “I am hanging out with the guys. Please find some girls to talk to.”
-Girls act boy-crazy because they are needy. They are needy because they are not getting enough attention at home.
-Yes, I know that girls dress in new and creative ways, calling attention to the fact that they are female. Hmm…let’s hope their parents aren’t aware of that particular outfit because that would mean that they don’t care about her enough to say no.
-No matter what happens, you are responsible not only for your actions but also for your thoughts. Girls make the decisions they make. You are the boss of your decisions and thoughts.
-If you choose to honor a girl with your attention, you don’t get to reject her later. So choose your friends carefully.
-It’s silly to date in middle school. In fact, it’s silly to date unless you are prepared to explore the commitment of marriage. Period.
That’s just the beginning. The foundational ideas. The ones I can put into print without embarrassing my son.
And this is only middle school. I hate to think how complicated high school will be.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Tips for Raising Fiscally Fit Kiddoes

When our oldest was just able to talk, I emptied her full piggy bank on the floor of the den for the first time and helped her count the wealth she had amassed with the help of grandparents eager to spoil their first grandchild.
“Would you like to give some of your money away, dear, to share with others,” I asked enthusiastically, thinking that it is never too early to teach a child about generosity.
Encouraged by her positive response I asked the obvious question next.
“How much?”
“All of it!” she responded, scooping up the coins and bills in her baby arms with a big smile.
I almost fainted. It was a lot of money.
Over the years, we have emphasized a core set of ideas and then watched in bewilderment as all three kids interpret and develop their own personal fiscal philosophy; each one as unique as the individual we raised.
Principle #1- Give It Away. Yeah, I know this sounds crazy, but it is a basic truth that giving creates gratefulness in the giver.
Principle #2 – Define Wealth Accurately. If you have two feet and four shoes, you’ve got a wealth of feet and an abundance of shoes.
Principle #3 – Recognize the Source. As a young wife, often stressed out about how my young husband managed, or failed to manage, money, I learned that God was my Provider.
Principle #4 – Hard Work is Fun. Okay, not all the time. But, learning to make a job fun for others is a great skill and can be fun in itself.
Principle #5 – Skills are Acquired to Serve Others, not Glorify Self. As parents, it is so easy to crave success for our kids, especially financial security, forgetting that their ultimate satisfaction will be in the true success of loving others.
Principle #6 – Serve Others and Success Follows. In this, my kiddoes have inspired me. With so many of their generation, their successes have proven to be a result of their commitment to serve others.
Principle #7 – Education is a Good Investment. Choosing college is often a sound financial decision, if you don’t overspend. Measure the return on your investment as you choose schools and majors; avoid debt like the plague.
Principle #8 – Save. Nothing beats an unstable economy like a savings account.
Principle #9 – Live Like You Mean It. If you are wondering if we let our toddler give away all her money, the answer is, yes. What’s a parent to do?
With all the gloom and doom lately, my hat is off to the East Texans I know; folks just grateful to be able to work and feed their family.
Or folks we read about in the paper; local small-town heroes; taking the little that they have and stretching it to help others in need.
Kind of like a toddler teaching mom to give exuberantly.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Leadership

Raising a boy changes everything.
Who knew?
I had a hint when, as a preschooler, our son decided he should demand tolls, stopping the neighbors as they drove by in their cars. He thought he was the sheriff.
Squelching that entrepreneurial urge took several intense discussions, not to mention panic attacks accompanied by throbbing heartbeats as I searched frantically for him all over the house only to realize with blind desperation that he was literally playing in the street. Again.
I’m sorry, but our girls never did anything nearly that dangerous!
Now that our son is taller than I am, it might be a good time to talk about leadership, right? Quickly, before he grows up and tries crazy ideas outside our little one-street neighborhood.
So, what kind of leadership inspires trust?
“I’ll take the blame now because it will be credit later,” my husband said years ago when we were faced with a particularly tough decision.
Here are some of the ideas about leadership that we’re exploring as a family these days.
-Do it first. Waiting for others to initiate is not leadership.
-Do it anyway. Looking over your shoulder to see if anyone is following, is not leadership. Waiting to see how others will respond is not leadership.
-Keep on doing it. Real leaders step out first. They step out alone. Then, if no one is willing to follow, leadership stands alone. Being willing to do what is right, alone, for a long time if necessary, that’s leadership.
-Communicate. Leadership requires the mental and emotional discipline to find the best way to communicate your vision. Communication often takes creativity and endurance.
-Listen and be reasonable. People will have objections and fears. They just will. Especially if you are doing something that requires a different perspective. Telling people their perspective is wrong is not leadership. Listening to and respecting other people’s perspective is not only informative, it is essential.
-Cultivate a heart’s desire to serve others. In order to do the right thing, it is necessary first and foremost to be selfless in wanting what is best for others.
I always tell my kids if you find yourself in the minority, make sure you are on the right side of the moral equation.
Why? Because, people seek out justice and they resist injustice. Because other people will respond to an appeal to their conscious. But only if your perspective has integrity.
Integrity requires unselfishness.
In the moment of temptation, when we are all tempted to compromise our core values and go with the popular trend, a true leader will trust his own moral compass without regard to the personal consequences.
And there are always consequences.
Kind of like a grown up version of letting the neighbors pass the house without paying a toll. Yeah, it’s just the right thing to do.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Kids are Surprisingly Resilient

We all have times with our kids that try our soul.
Just when I think I must be the world’s worst parent, I find that it is surprisingly hard to ruin kids. Somehow, kids seem to make a come back even after the most challenging predicaments.
I am amazed at how resilient my own kids are.
Even when, along the way, I have wanted to give up, the kids hang in there with me and together we navigate the process of becoming mature together.
Talking to my mom always reminds me again of how resilient the Primer kids were.
For instance, as a junior high kid, I got in the habit of sneaking out in the middle of the night with a few friends. We would wander around the neighborhood, experiencing a sense of freedom, until fatigue and boredom set in, driving us back home to our nice, warm beds.
This went on for several weekends, until a friend’s mom found out and reported to my parents.
Can you imagine! A parent’s worst nightmare is to have your child, drifting through the neighborhood in the middle of the night, a sitting duck for being kidnapped while you are sleeping. Good grief!
My mom and dad stepped up and dealt with me in the most humble and serious way.
Of course, as parents, we don’t always know exactly what our kid’s perspective is.
I was actually relieved to be caught and eager to get back to sleeping a full eight hours a night. But, if my parents had pushed me, I would have rebelled, just for principle’s sake, I guess. Fortunately, they expressed their love for me and let me know that what I was doing was dangerous for me and scary for them.
I bet they thought I was a lost cause.
Looking back, that incident taught me a lot about dealing with my kids in a way that appeals to their conscious so they want to do what is most sensible and healthy.
Later, as an adult, I went back and thanked the mom who had the courage to call my parents.
Just think what that mom had accomplished as a parent! Her child refused to go out with us when we showed up in the middle of the night at her window. Her daughter had the maturity to recognize the danger and felt comfortable telling her mother the next morning.
In spite of mom and dad's trials, the Primer kids all came out fine and dandy.
And we’re all law-abiding citizens, too. Not that there was ever any question about my sister, you understand.
I guess good parenting comes down to this: Hanging in there and being honest about our feelings of inadequacy.
Oh, and it’s not a bad idea to get a burglar alarm. That way, mom and dad can get a good night’s rest.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Goals for 14 Year-Olds

The setting was a familiar one around East Texas, where on any given Sunday, folks gather together to be encouraged and challenged from the pulpit.
This Sunday was special because the youth pastor had the pulpit to speak to the youth. The rest of us old folks were just there to listen in. Sort of like eaves-droppin’ with an occasional “Amen, brother!” thrown in for good measure.
“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail,” quoted the youth pastor, looking out over a congregation that included his own two sons near the front where the youth group sat together.
Goal-setting is something we seldom think about when we are young. Unfortunately, even as parents we tend to forget, too. We set goals for work, for our personal finances, even for our family vacations, without ever thinking to set goals for the most important task we face.
With that in mind, here’s a list of goals for 14 year-olds that seem worthy of a parent’s attention. If it seems like a long list, it’s because 14 year-olds are old enough to be adult-like in many, if not all, of their decisions. Ideally, they should be able to:
-Communicate in a way that expresses love.
-Navigate relationships in a responsible and mature way.
-Prepare a simple meal and serve it to the family
-Meet the needs of small children for several hours without help.
-Correct and encourage small children.
-Be aware of their responsibility to be a role model.
-Be faithful to a future spouse whom they don’t know yet.
-Be careful and undistracting about fashion choices.
-Enjoy a reputation for being mature, kind, and responsible.
-Earn and save money.
-Forego instant gratification; not self-indulgent, but self-sacrificing.
-Recognize their own heart’s motivations.
-Recognize the advantage of correction; be willing to hear and act on it.
Okay, that’s a tall order, isn’t it?
It is a list for mature adults.
On the other hand, I was visiting the church that Sunday because I had been invited by one of their youth. An amazing young lady with a tender heart, and a backbone too, she has been a leader at my sons’ school in all the ways that make other parents smile. She and her parents are a constant source of encouragement to our family because they take the tough path, not the easy one when it comes to parenting.
To me, she is a perfect example of what her youth pastor spoke on that day; studying hard, looking toward the future with hope and confidence, and pointing others to Jesus.
Simple goals to talk about, but mighty powerful when it’s lived out in the life a young person.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.co

Teenage Mythology, Part 1

I glanced across at the 12 year-old person sitting next to me in the front seat of my mini-van. It was a gray day outside. I was taking my time as we drove home from an appointment with the pediatrician.
Not only were the tar roads slick as we passed pastures and small country churches, but I was alone with my oldest. One-on-one time with this special, God-designed creature was a thing to treasure.
“Mom, you won’t believe what the doctor said to me!” she exclaimed.
“She told me ahead of time what she was going to say, Hon. What did you think about it?”
“She just gave me permission to be bratty for the next, what? Eight years?” She looked at me to gauge my reaction. Her eyes were wide open.
I just grinned. I had nothing to worry about from Anna.
As parents, we all have times that we look back and wish we had paid more attention. On the other hand, occasionally we experience one of those rare moments which we recognize as significant even as it occurs. I was enjoying the moment.
“So, what did you think?”
And with that question I opened the door to a discussion I will never forget.
My 12-year old began to list for me things grown-ups believe about teenagers that are simply not true. Here’s the first half of her list:
-There is a category of people who are teenagers.
-People have permission to be bratty because they are teenagers.
-Even the most affectionate child will not be affectionate as a teenager.
-All teenagers are embarrassed by their parents.
-All teenagers reject their parents and rebel.
-If you are too strict with your teenagers, they will go wild in high school or college.
-Kids have a will of their own. Kids make bad choices because of free-will.
As we drove along she wrote these ideas and a bunch more on the back of an old envelope, the only scrap of paper I could find.
I wanted to review the doctor’s perspective with her.
“You have to remember, darlin’, pediatricians see young girls in their offices who are 12 and 13 and pregnant. These are young women who don’t even realize they are grown-ups, who find themselves pregnant. It’s hard for us to even imagine what kind of an adult would take advantage of a young girl that way.”
It was quiet in the car as she digested this information momentarily. I reflected on the how scary the world can be when you are the parent of the most precious three children on the face of the entire earth.
A few years later, when I asked if she would make a corresponding list of truths to replace the myths, she said no.
“People need to answer their own questions, Mom.”
Hmmm…pretty sage advice from a teenager.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Teenage Mythology, Part 2

I have to confess that I don’t even believe in teenagers.
Personally, I think the concept is a figment of the imagination, a purely American invention.
My perspective is simple really.
Take, for example, the way folks are made. You have people who are too young to reproduce, i.e. children. And you have people who have reached the age of reproduction, i.e. adults. So straightforward.
Of course, I have friends who think my theory is crazy; that teenagers do, in fact, exist.
One such friend is a physician who has explained to me on more than one occasion the complicated physiological experiences unique to those years, especially at puberty.
Okay, but I remain unconvinced.
So what if puberty is the first stage of adulthood and it is a transition? Don’t we all know children who are mature and adults who are immature?
To me, calling one set of the adult population teenagers, just perpetuates the myth that they are excused to be immature until they are twenty.
Is that really what we want?
The following is the other half of a list my daughter began brainstorming as she entered the teenage years herself. We’ve added to the list along the way as a family. The rest of this list is posted on my blog as Teenage Mythology, Part 1.
Here are a few more of the myths about teenagers folks tend to believe are true in American culture.
-Teenagers are subject to hormones.
-Teenagers need to spend time with their peers to develop social skills.
-Dating is necessary to find a spouse.
-If you make kissing a “no-no,” they’ll do it more; the implication being that your child will then progress to more serious sexual activities.
-Homeschoolers are more mature than other teenagers. Or, the corresponding myth, homeschoolers are socially backward.
-It is good for teenagers to be in the youth group at church.
-Those clothes, haircut, tattoo, piercing, are a little on the edge, but you have to pick your battles.
-If you keep teenagers busy enough, they won’t have time for trouble. Or, if they are in enough sports, they will be too tired for trouble.
Sometimes, when I share this list with grown-ups, they have a hard time believing that the myths are not true. All, I can say is that the best lies always have a little truth mixed in.
So, if you find yourself puzzled by something on this list, and you are one of those people who can’t stand an unsolved riddle, feel free to contact me. I never cared much for riddles.
On the other hand, for those of us faced with the responsibility of parenting teenage people, it is worth puzzling it out.
To me, the concept of teenagers is an idea that has done enough damage.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.