Motivating your employees, not babysitting them, Part 3

Hasn’t entitlement overtaken our national conscience?
Somebody owes me something all the time now, it would seem.
My grandparents would roll over in their graves if they heard the attitude commonly purveyed in our culture now. Modest folks with not a penny to spare, my grandparents worked hard. Never would they have demanded an education or health care. I bet yours were the same way.
It simply never entered their minds to demand anything.
If they wanted something, they worked for it.
Expecting someone else to pay for stuff, even with tax dollars, would have seemed like thievery to them.
So what motivated that generation and how can we motivate those around us?
Folks are basically motivated by four things – stuff, security, significance, and, finally the biggie, a vision combined with a solid relationship with the one in authority. If you missed the first part of this three-part series, you can find it on this paper’s website.
Business owners simply cannot afford to “babysit” their employees; that is, they cannot treat employees like dependant children.
Everyone I know who is employed right now is getting paid one salary to do the job of two people. We are living in an economy when folks are being forced to grow up and behave like hard-working adults.
Simply put, a business owner does his employees a favor when he manages his business well, finding the right balance between providing customer services and keeping expenses down.
In the work place, training your employees to take ownership of your business is a crucial part of success.
Because of the shifting employment picture, it is crucial to offer your employees opportunities to acquire skills while they are gainfully employed by you. That does not have to involve expensive classes. It can be as simple as cross-training employees so they can cover for each other.
One bonus to cross training is that team unity happens when people appreciate each other’s skills.
Did our grandparents miss the privileges we take for granted, like education and health care? Did not having stuff make our grandparents bitter?
No, it made them resourceful and grateful. Working hard gave them confidence. It made them generous.
Some of us are old enough to remember those days.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Empty Suitcases

We only keep what we give away.
When a young mom gave birth to her first son, she received lots of presents from friends who knew she didn’t have anything for a boy.
One gift stood out, though. Rather than buy a gift, this friend, the mother of two older boys, went to her own sentimental box and gift-wrapped a Baby’s First Christmas bib and a beautiful piece of art from her own nursery.
A few months later, at the crack of dawn, the young mother received a phone call. The friend’s house had burned down in the night.
In the days that followed, it became clear that the only mementos her friend would be able to retrieve, like pictures of her children, were going to be the ones she had given away to grandparents and friends, including a bib and a piece of art from her own nursery.
I know this is a true story because my friend gave me the bib and the art when my son was born.
Recently, a lady told me a story about her husband, which illustrates the truth about hilarious giving.
This family makes regular trips to a beloved third world country, but on their first trip, they were overwhelmed by all the physical needs that go unmet daily in that place.
As they were packing to return home that first time, her husband suddenly flipped over his suitcase and dumped all the contents on the bed.
“We are giving this all away,” he announced with excitement.
Knowing how Americans travel, I can easily imagine a suitcase stuffed with blue jeans, t-shirts, button-downs, and several pairs of shoes, all things of extreme value in a country where people often go hungry and barefoot.
Having made many friends in the weeks they were there, they immediately found folks who received the goods joyously.
“Who wants this shirt? Who needs flip flops?”
Imagine the excitement as they tossed each item across a room crowded with folks who had gathered to see them off.
Her husband left with empty suitcases, but I bet his heart was full.
And imagine how he blessed his own wife and kiddoes.
We only keep what we give away.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Motivating Your Employees (Trustworthy Leadership), Part 2

Motivating your employees can be tough in a suppressed economy, especially when fear is the key economic ingredient from the purveyors of the national news.
So, how do you encourage confidence in your employees, rather than fear?
Folks are basically motivated by four things – stuff, security, significance, and, finally the biggie, a vision combined with a solid relationship with the one in authority. If you missed the first part of this three-part series, you can find it on this paper’s website.
The first three motivators are important and can make a good boss even more effective.
However, a terrific boss creates a vision and secures the trust of his employees.
How?
Creating a vision is simple. Figure out how you are serving your customers. Now put that into one sentence.
In a free market, if you serve people, success will follow. If your employees understand that they are offering something that is worthwhile, they will feel like their days at work are valuable.
Having a solid relationship with your employees can be a little more challenging.
One man I know told me that if people did not treat him right, he would teach them to respect him by force.
He had respect and fear confused.
You earn people’s trust, not by scaring them to death, by being trustworthy.
You earn their respect by being trustworthy for a long period of time.
So, how does trustworthy look?
The trustworthy person does what is hard and sacrificial.
The trustworthy person puts other people’s interests ahead of his own.
He tells the truth. If he doesn’t know how his business will survive in these uncertain times, he keeps his employees posted so they can make wise decisions.
He leads in giving them opportunities to help each other by setting an example when life throws out a curve ball like cancer or family crises.
He doesn’t treat them like dependant children, instead he rejoices at the opportunities they have to gain skills and knowledge.
Most importantly, his employees know that there are certain lines he won’t cross.
Leadership just means creating opportunities for employees to follow their heart.
Serving others, both customers and employees, is the hallmark of successful business owners.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com

Effectively Motivating Your Employees

Basically, people are motivated by four things, reward, comfort, affirmation, and finally, most effectively, by commitment to a greater goal, combined with a solid relationship to the one in authority.
Coaches, especially good ones, naturally motivate using these techniques on the court and field. Unfortunately, some bosses didn’t get the memo.
Panic mode is especially tempting during a recession. The panicky boss is going to rely on fear as a primary source of adrenalin. Usually threatening scenarios include eminent deadlines, declining revenue, job cutbacks.
Scary stuff and pretty motivating in the moment. But those kind of panic-ridden pep talks from the boss usually only motivate a staff to polish their resumes and surf website job listings.
So, how to move from fear-based incentives to visionary leadership?
Start by recognizing that each individual on your staff only has four basic motives. Next, identify what motivates each individual.
As humans we all crave the first three: reward, comfort, and affirmation.
The Bible describes them as “the lust of the eye, the lust of the flesh, and the boastful pride of life.” Forget the sermons you’ve heard about how naughty those things are and just think of them as part of our natural design; God’s design of humans.
Lust of the Eye is simply the desire for the stuff we can see and measure, like a nice home for our family, reliable transportation, a good education.
Wanting your neighbor’s wife is NOT what Lust of the Flesh is about, although she might seem enticing for a split second right before he shoots you. Lust of the Flesh is actually the stuff we need on a physical and emotional level; things that make us feel safe and comfortable. Things like food, clothing, and loved ones in our life are highly motivating.
Finally, the Boastful Pride of Life is simply respect. Men in particular have a need to feel that they are respected by the people who matter to them, especially their boss. Women need to feel affirmed and appreciated. Notably, there is a slight, but significant difference between respect and affirmation.
The real measure of a good boss is moving past the basic human motivators to becoming a visionary leader who motivates on that fourth level, beyond emotional to the spiritual level.
Jesus demonstrated an understanding of all four in Matthew 4:1-11 when His enemy tempted Him in the desert.
Of course, He was ultimately motivated by a vision of the future and a solid relationship with the One over Him in authority.
Now that’s powerful, spiritual motivation.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Heroic Mothers

You won’t read about her in history books.
In fact, you almost wouldn’t read about her at all, except for one small thing; her son mentioned her. I was interviewing her son and daughter-in-law about their experiences growing up in segregated East Texas for a series I am doing on African American high schools in our region.
It turns out his mom sowed the seeds of justice in his heart in the 1950s when he was just a young kid.
What she did was simple.
She loaded up a pickup truck with every brave soul she could find who would participate in her well-intentioned misadventure.
She was the mother of eleven children; I admire her courage for that alone.
The pickup was loaded with a cargo of humans who were mostly her offspring and a few close friends who didn’t have the heart to say no to this determined woman. The stakes were high for her, based on who was in the back of that truck.
Their small band of parents and children, not much of an army, stormed the Brownsboro school district’s administration building in broad day light, walked right into the Superintendent’s office, and demanded enrollment with the white students of Brownsboro Independent School District.
David and Goliath. No odds maker in his right mind would take that bet.
In fact, nothing much changed.
Some of her neighbors thought she was crazy for stirring up trouble and they didn’t mind telling her so, but that was about it.
Nothing changed, except for the seeds planted in the hearts of her kids.
She didn’t know she was heroic.
Gertrude Cofer Evans of Moore Station, Texas.
Remember that name.
Not because she would want the attention. Not because you’ll ever see it in a history book.
But because she stood up for what was right.
And she taught her kids do so.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Taxpayer should hold the right people accountable for education

With all the talk about education funding in the Texas legislature, here’s my question: Why should school districts be saddled with accounting for decisions that are simply not theirs to make.
For a close to home example, take Bullard. Last spring, I watched in fascination as Bullard ISD received a lower than expected rating due to drop out rates.
Really? And just who makes the decision to drop out?
In a flurry of accounting and research, the Bullard ISD was able to prove that of the unaccounted for students, some had transferred and some were homeschooling. On appeal, the official rating was raised. Unofficially, everyone in Bullard knew what was obvious; I have interviewed countless people who volunteer that they moved to Bullard for the excellent public schools.
Most the East Texas home educators I know - and I know plenty because I have homeschooled along the way – would view it as an intrusion of their God-given rights to have the public school district come sniffing around.
Imagine how intrusive it would seem, if you had already enrolled your child in another town far away? Weird.
Burdening the school district with the need to track down private citizens and get information from them about personal decisions is just plain silly. It is also an expensive and time-consuming task that distracts from the real responsibility of educating those who show up for class.
Education is the function of the school system. Truancy, juvenile delinquency, and child protection are functions of the justice system.
The truth is, education is a function of the family, but that’s a whole ‘nother column.
As citizens, we owe it to ourselves to get that straight.
One of the symptoms of the entitlement culture we’ve become in America, is the confusion about personal responsibility.
When we let our legislators pass laws that hold the wrong people responsible for actions, like holding districts responsible for the decisions of parents and their children, we are behaving in a very co-dependant way as a culture. As if someone could control the behavior of another individual or be held responsible for decisions they did not make.
Anyway, do we really want our ISDs used in a semi-law-enforcement kind of way, investigating private citizen’s lives?
No wonder students get the idea that they have a right to an education. They think they are entitled because taxpayers are not voting with clarity on this issue.
Make no mistake, though, education is a privilege, not an entitlement.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Pee in the Cup

The last time I applied for a job a million years ago, no one asked me to pee in a cup.
For those of you who are retired and missed this phenomenon, now days, if you want a job with almost any big company, you have to submit to a drug test.
There was a time many moons ago, when you could look for a job without anyone even once recommending that you head to the potty. In fact, in those ancient days, people considered it poor etiquette to even mention the potty during an interview.
We even had euphemisms in the unlikely event that the subject could not possibly be avoided.
Like powder room. What a lovely concept!
Of course, powder was an extremely feminine luxury and putting powder on your nose was considered a complex and perplexing mystery.
Nothing at all like peeing in a cup. Which is pretty vulgar.
If you ask me, peeing in a cup is an incentive for keeping the job you’ve got.
While I was looking for a job, I applied at some temp agencies. I can write, but apparently I can’t type, so they never called me.
I was relieved. Not in the euphemistic sense.
Young people coming out of college seem to assume that peeing in a cup is just part of the process of landing their first big job. They have such good attitudes about the whole thing.
I try to tell myself that I should emulate their example, change with the times, accept what I cannot change.
And I will, too. Right after I write this column.
My goal is to write something that employers can give to their prospective employees along with all the proper medical forms, to acknowledge that, yes, the new system is really icky.
Imagine how happy I was to learn that peeing in the cup happens at a lab and not at the work place.
Picture yourself handing a cup of pee to your boss and you have the general concept. Try not to think about it.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

What’s Next? Life after kids

There’s life after kids.
“You’ve got 30 more years,” said one friend recently, “That’s a lifetime of things you could do.”
Once parents get over the shock of sending their last nestling out the door, guess what? An empty nest turns out to be fabulous, especially having time to focus on grown-up stuff.
If you are facing May with trepidation as your youngest graduates from high school, now is a great time to make a list entitled “What’s Next” and post it on the fridge.
To get you started, here are some categories of things you have probably been wishing you had time for the last, oh say, eighteen plus years.
Serve the Community. Nonprofits, like for instance Habitat for Humanity’s Rehabitat program, can always use willing hands. I also like the idea of animal therapy programs, like using horses to help special needs kiddoes or dogs to visit the elderly.
Seek Justice. Groups like CASA and the East Crisis Center serve those who have been the victims of violence.
Pursue a New skill. Think of all the high-tech photography or video editing that is available now. Or what about something you always wanted time for, like a painting class at TJC?
Start a Second Careers. With a recession, this could be a terrific time to try something new on the side.
Ministry. Give a single mom a break with a little house or yard work. Or get involved with a prison ministry.
Travel. Colleges offer trips at student-inspired low prices. Take a trip with your almost grown kids. Better yet, line up a weekend with your siblings sans offspring. Or travel to a third world country and build a water well.
Politics. Run for school board or city counsel. Attend a party convention or walk your block for candidates.
Write your memoirs. Or tape a video of family history for the grandkids and beyond.
Volunteer in a public school. Adopt a school.
In fact, with so many fun things waiting to do, your kids may have to call ahead to get on your calendar.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Power of the Spoken Word

As a parent, if you learn anything in life, you learn that teenagers are full of truth.
‘Course it can come at the most unexpected times and in the most unusual ways.
“People can use their words for good, of course, but they can also use them for destruction,” said my current favorite teenager on the way to middle school one morning.
Really? Did he really just open up that conversation, I thought, as I grappled with the idea that we were fixing to have a serious discussion before I finished my first cup of caffeine.
His point was simple.
He had been observing at school that while kids were frequently just awful with the stuff they said to each other – no news there – that, well, a kind word could give vision to a kid who didn’t have many positive thoughts directed his way.
It reminded me that God’s word is a two-edged sword, but in a different kind of way.
Both “sword edges” of God’s word are for good because He is Himself good.
Whether His word convicts our hearts or confirms our wholesome convictions, His message serves us in good ways. Always, His thoughts and His ideas are for the benefit of those who love Him.
At the same time, His message is also always for the benefit of those who reject Him. Even as people run from God and reject Him, He still seeks them out in love.
In other words, because God is wholly good, His message is good at every level and in every way for anyone, even those who hate Him. He is just that good.
On the other hand, people are not 100% good. Basically, our words are a two- edged sword that reflects the duality of our nature – the desire to be selfish and the desire to be unselfish.
Is there any place where that is more obvious than middle school?
“I just told him he is intelligent, Mom,” said my son, “I don’t think many people tell him that.”
Using truth to create hope.
What a truth-full teenager!
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Famous Quotes by Non-Famous People

“All perspectives are valid, but not all perspectives are (pause) mature,” she said with a twinkle in her eye, addressing her audience of mommies and daddies for the first time as they sat in the miniature chairs their kiddoes would be squirming in soon.

Loretta Van Cleave, kindergarten teacher of both my girls, was definitely in the position to witness the maturity of small people and people who should have known better.

I’m sure she would say that her life was fulfilling, but it wasn’t long enough to suit those of us who loved her. Still, she left behind an inheritance of succinct, practical wisdom, demonstrated with a heart attitude that made everybody want to play nicely.

I’ve been collecting quotes for years. Me, the girl who can’t remember her own phone number and who deletes all names necessary for introductions at the exact moment of any handshake.

For some reason, I store non-famous peoples’ quotes away instantaneously and recall them without any effort at all. Unlike names and other crucial information, like where I put my car keys.

I heard a couple of doozies lately.

“God does not honor complaining. He honors thankfulness,” said Johnnie Herndon as she pinned the hem of my trousers to prepare them for alteration. Johnnie and I are friends because she works at Alterations by Sylvia’s. I’m in there a lot because slacks are always too long for short, fluffy girls; not that I’m complaining. Actually, I was complaining to Johnnie about how people always complain. She was sympathetic and oh-so-gentle.

“Everything a man does to get a wife, he needs to do to keep her,” said Byron Henderson in front of my son and my husband as we were saying goodnight to our guests. Byron, an air conditioning specialist and also an associate pastor of Galilee Baptist Church, had just finished a discussion with a group of my son’s friends about being a Godly man. I wasn’t invited to the discussion, but was simply reappearing to shake his hand and say thank you.

I’m pretty sure Byron’s quote is one I will never forget.

I might even have occasion to use it.

My son’s future wife will thank me someday, I bet.

But I guess that could be a matter of perspective.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Meals on Wheels: Recipe for Service

Fruit salads are one of my favorite treats next to turkey or ham around the holidays.

Another treat is eating at Meals on Wheels.

I bet you didn’t know that Meals on Wheels occasionally hosts club luncheon meetings for organizations interested in knowing more about their efforts.

“Meals on Wheels Ministry, Inc. serves a daily meal to nearly 3,500 frail, homebound senior citizens and disabled persons every weekday in East Texas.

These meals are prepared fresh at the central kitchen located at 3001 Robertson Road, Tyler, TX, “ according to www.mealsonwheelseasttexas.org. “The meals are then home-delivered by compassionate volunteers to eligible persons who cannot provide meals for themselves. Often this is the only meal they will have that day.”

When Mike Powell and his staff served up this fabulous Waldorf salad along with lunch for a recent meeting of the Bethesda Alliance luncheon, I asked for the recipe to share with readers. It’s the best Waldorf I ever put in my mouth.

Monarch Mayonnaise’s Waldorf Salad

2/3 cup dried cranberries

1/2 cup mayonnaise

3 Tbsp. sour cream

2 Tbsp. lemon juice

1 tsp. sugar

4 Granny Smith apples, cut into ½ inch cubes

1 1/3 cup thinly sliced celery

1 1/3 cup red grapes, halved

¼ cup candied pecans, for garnish

Mix all ingredients, except the pecans, together in a mixing bowl, until uniform. Cover and refrigerate until needed. Serve on a bed of fresh bib lettuce. Sprinkle the candied pecans on top for garnish.

While I was munching on lunch, I learned another interesting fact about Meals on Wheals. Did you know that you don’t have to be impoverished to enjoy having a meal delivered to your home? If you have a loved one who could benefit from the service and can afford to pay for the meals, Meals on Wheals will deliver your lunch at a prorated fee.

They even have grateful customers and families who subsidize other, less fortunate customers’ lunches with a regular donation.

Making Meals on Wheels a perfect example of the motto: “Serve people and success will follow.”

In Bullard, the plan is to collaborate with the Bullard library to put in a kitchen that can act as a southern staging point for Meals on Wheels delivery.

If you ask me, this is one more reason to support efforts to build the new library building in Bullard.

To volunteer for Meals on Wheels or for more information, contact Executive Director Mike Powell at 903.593.7385 or go to their website at www.mealsonwheelseasttexas.org.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Truth, Justice, and the American Way

Justice is something Americans take for granted.

Like last week’s newspaper, we don’t think about it at all unless we need it for some reason.

But when we suffer an injustice, we suddenly crave justice, we search it out, and we complain if we can’t get it. And we keep complaining. Sometimes for years. For as long as it takes.

Last year, I got to be useful in a small way that mattered to me personally; I was part of a team that accomplished a little moment of historic justice. My part was a small thing. I just wrote a story that needed to be told.

It was printed in a little weekly paper that people tend to take for granted by an editor who, like all editors, happens to be underpaid.

The real hero was the man who was chosen, along with the only other three African Americans involved, to fill the draft quota for Henderson County out of a pool of 22 young men during the Vietnam era. Only four men were needed to fill the quota. The only four men chosen were the four black guys out of the twenty-two possible men. All the white guys went home to their mamas that day.

Coincidence that those four names were randomly drawn? Dumb luck? Not likely.

You almost had to live through the civil rights era to get how pernicious racism can be.

If you missed the story, my friend lived through the war and developed an attitude that reminds me of Joseph, “What you intended for evil, God intended for good.” He is a true American hero.

Justice is something we take for granted.

We read our newspaper and we don’t even think about how the stories affect our culture. How they make us all aware of injustices and provide an opportunity for communities to come together and address problems, to right wrongs.

Our forefathers made the FIRST amendment Freedom of Speech simply because a free culture depends on truth. Our local press – unencumbered by government jurisdiction - gives us an avenue to express our love of a vibrant community conversation.

Sometimes, justice is accomplished like a sigh of relief – without courts or law enforcement – simply because someone finally spoke up and said what we all knew to be true.

Our local newspaper is a place to declare what we believe to be true and self-evident.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Resolutions. Really?

I just hate resolutions. They sound so political. As if we are proposing some government agreement that is personally binding. Ick. As appealing as taxes.

“I set 8 goals last year and I’ve only got one left,” said a twenty-something friend about November of last year.

I was impressed; my resolutions never make it into February. Plus, eight is less than one accomplishment a month. Definitely do-able.

And it was cool stuff, too, like a bucket list.

“I’m sending you the abridged version,” laughed my friend when I asked him for his 2010 list. Before I could wonder what he left off, he added, “It’s going to include swimming in the Krafve’s pool once a week.”

In 2009, this young man managed to run a half marathon in under two hours, open a Roth IRA, save money for retirement, begin saving money for a down payment on a house, buy a serious piece of fun sports equipment, build his website, come close to running a six-minute mile, pull together one of his projects and submit it for a state-wide award.

He’s not even 25-years-old yet. Wow!

Notice how measurable and practical his ideas are. And there’s fun in the mix.

So, what’s he got on the agenda for 2010?

-Run a half-mile in under 1:50.

-Run a 6-minute mile.

-Learn to play harmonica

-Read the bible every day; no matter how short the passage. At least crack it open.

-Win a work-related award.

-Open a money market account and invest.

-Become conversational in Spanish.

-Do a 100-mile bike race.

-Choose a three-course meal and perfect cooking it.

Yeah, I like his list so much, I’m having trouble making my own set of goals for 2010.

Let’s just tell the truth; a fifty-something mom-type is not going to run a six-minute mile. However, but I am thinking of putting at least one of his ideas on my own list.

Yeah, if you change swimming, to laying out by the pool and working on my tan once a week, I’ll have the beginning of a list I can relate to.

Goals. I like the sound of that. And I still have eleven months to go.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Simplifying Work-related Stress

I have this theory that most work-related stress is simply people-related stress.

People can be downright stressful. Melodramatic.

So, what are some things that can be done to turn around the stressful situations, those work-related mini soap operas?

-Laugh. Look for people who know how to laugh. Make it a deliberate goal to sit at the “most fun” table at any seminar or event. Life is short.

-Focus on fun. Does 5 hours feel like 5 minutes on certain tasks? Do you look up and say, “Where did the time go?!” Say yes to more of those.

-Say No. Everyone has to do things they don’t enjoy along the way. That’s why it’s called work and that’s why we get paid. But minimize those tasks and set boundaries around them.

-Confide. Vent, but only with friends who are trustworthy and NOT co-workers. Don’t poison someone else’s well. Instead, look for mature folks who tend to end a debriefing with this kind of message, “I hear what you are saying, but I am guessing that you just needed to vent. You guys are probably a perfect team, bringing a balance to each other.”

-Repeat the Positive. Never repeat anything that is negative.

-Affirm. Affirmation tends to be contagious and everyone needs a pat on the back now and then.

-Delegate, Initiate, and Appreciate. If you are a creative ding-bat, sit next to the most organized, thorough person at the meeting. Or if you’re the intense, alpha type, sit next to the person who will be the most laid back. You’ll probably get on each other’s last nerve at first, but I guarantee that if you let the person know you appreciate the way they are wired, soon you’ll have a cordial, mutually productive relationship.

-Meet New People. New people are one way to enrich your life and stimulate your brain. Listening to other perspectives is a great way to learn something new.

-Learn New Things. Always take the opportunity to get training in areas you enjoy. Unfamiliar territory can be intimidating, but once you conquer a new skill, you’ll feel terrific and oh-so-smart.

-Reward others. Remember to thank the people in your life, at work and at home, that make your day better. Do not withhold honor from whom it is due.

Finally, reward yourself, too. Remember to take stock in what you value and commit to that. Reward yourself by making time for the people you love.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Ur Bst Golf

Golf is the only sport I know of where talented, athletic types brag about how bad their game is. For this reason, bookish, klutzy folks like me are totally endeared to the game; a sport that tends to convert perfectly normal people to instant looniness almost immediately.
I don’t usually do book reviews in this column, but today I’m going to make an exception for Ur Bst Golf, local author Ken Dance’s new book.
Don’t let the easy-to-read, informal tone, or the pocket size fool you. It is packed with helpful tips, humor, and wisdom, making it fun and informative at the same time. And it’s soooo local; here’s a sample:
“Sometimes the mere mention of a certain hole on a certain course can cause our palms to sweat. I know number nine at Hollytree in Tyler, Texas has ruined many a round for many golfers.” He goes on to explain that, instead of thinking yourself into a bad game, “The goal of confidence is to intentionally transform a positive thought into a present reality.”
He includes practical hints for winning the game of acquiring confidence in golf- and in life.
Ken dissects the elements of golf in a way that even newbies to the sport can understand.
In his section subtitled “Precision: a Combination of Distance and Direction,” Ken emphasizes that they are interdependent.
“I once played with a guy who achieved a world record for distance traveled. The first hole on the course was parallel to a very busy street in Dallas. When he hooked his drive, the ball took two bounces on the street and landed inside the raised door of a moving van just as it passed by. I’m not sure where that ball eventually went, but I know it went further than any ball I’ve ever hit. Distance isn’t everything.”
Ur Bst Golf is the perfect stocking stuffer. Or, because it is so local and personal, it is a great gift to send to friends in other places when we brag about how wonderful Texas is. (I can’t be the only person sending obnoxiously Texas stuff to all my friends, right?) Contact Ken at kendance@suddenlink.net or go to Amazon.com or BARNESandNOBLE.com.
Ken wouldn’t want me to write about his book without mentioning that the Chick-Fil-A Bethesda Golf Classic is coming up Oct 2 at Oakhurst. He often plays this tournament with his grandkids; it’s a friendly, relaxed opportunity to include newly addicted golf fans, young or old.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

You Only Keep What You Give Away

You only keep what you give away.
I was reminded of this principle again recently when I experienced the computer glitch of a writer’s worst nightmares and all my files were lost.
Bummer.
So now I am searching my gmail files for attachments and discovering that I’m glad I always share my stuff.
This week’s events reminded me of an experience that happened right after my son was born almost thirteen years ago.
My friend showed up one day with a one-of-a-kind baby gift.
Imagine my surprise when I opened the package and discovered that she had given me two tiny items from the store of things she was saving for her own grandchildren someday.
It was one of my all time favorite gifts because I understood that she was giving me something very personal, a gift of herself; a “Baby’s First Christmas” bib and an antique plaque with a dimpled cherub from the wall of the nursery her own sons had out-grown. I hung the plaque next to William’s crib and, being a Christmas baby himself, he spit up on the bib immediately.
Within months after Christmas, I received a call from a mutual friend one morning.
“Cathy, there was a fire at Joyce’s house last night. Everyone is safe.”
The scene was surreal. Her two-story home overlooking the lake, designed by an architect who was a colleague of Frank Lloyd Wright, had been a masterpiece of contemporary architecture. Now it was a charred, blackened slab.
The insurance company made an initial payment immediately and within days Joyce’s family was settled in a rent house with a convenient storage barn out back.
Where there had been family heirloom furniture, now there were practical, simple pieces like desks for the boys from Walmart.
She explained to me that the process was actually freeing somehow.
Fortunately, over the years, she had given copies of all family portraits to family members, so her pictures were already coming home.
Then we went to the barn where there was a row of plastic tubs holding the few indestructible items they had managed to salvage. We spent the day scrubbing thick, black goo off of china and the few pieces of silver that didn’t melt.
And I returned her bib and her plaque.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Self-Segregation

It’s a strange, but folks in East Texas tend to be self-segregating.
If anybody can explain this phenomenon, I sure wish you’d write in and educate me. I don’t get it.
I was reminded of how hard it is to break old patterns last year when I pulled up to drop off my son on the first day of middle school.
“It’s a third, a third, a third,” was the answer when we asked about the demographics of the school. In other words, the school is pretty nearly equally populated with white kids, black kids, and Latino kids.
Heck, I don’t even know the politically correct way to describe the groups. Caucasian? African American? Hispanic? Whatever.
Personally, just cus a person’s skin is pigment-challenged does not mean they relate to some region in Eastern Europe. I generally describe my ethniticity as Texan and leave it at that. I even write Texan in the box marked “other.”
Anyway, this mix of demographics seemed like one of the advantages to us in choosing a school for our son. Since he is a people person, we saw the advantage to him of learning to be comfortable with folks from all backgrounds with varying perspectives.
But on the first day of school, there it was plain as day. Yep, we’re in East Texas all right.
“See how the kids divide themselves into groups. The white kids are over there. The black kids are over there. And the Latino kids are in the middle,” I pointed out the obvious to my son as we pulled up in front of the school.
I really hated to call attention to the fact. I felt a piece of his childhood would be over forever when he recognized that there were self-imposed differences. It would complicate friendships that in elementary school had been unpolluted by race issues.
On the other hand, I couldn’t see any advantage in pretending that the lines don’t still exist. Within days, he would get the picture clearly from kids who would try to keep him on his side of the divide.
“Your job this year is to cross-pollinate as many friendships as you can. Seek out friends from each group, please, and honor your friends to each other.”
And than I added the phrase I send him off with every school day.
“Oh yeah, don’t forget, you’re the best young man in the whole world.”
So, okay, maybe I’m a little prejudiced on that particular point, but, hey, I’m a mom.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Well-aged and Well-adjusted

Nothing made my Granddaddy happier than an excuse to fish.
He was a gentle man with a small-ish frame and a ready grin. Cataracts had taken their toll on his vision, but not on the sweet way he always interacted with us.
I can still see him standing on the end of a pier with cane pole in hand. There was something so inherently peaceful in his demeanor.
We never heard him say a cross word, although there were a few occasions when he firmly encouraged my grandmother that it was time for their visit to come to an end; she would have stayed indefinitely.
“I don’t believe in retirement,” said the gentleman at the Bullard Kiwanis meeting when I asked for help with this column. He was the picture of why I agree with him, busy mentoring young people, happily contributing to a better community.
What we believe about retirement and aging will shape our future. As I age, I can’t help but notice some of the mythology out there:
-“Retirement means you lose your identity.” What retirement really means is that now you can serve in the way you want to without concern for making the next buck.
- “I worked; now I can play.” I call this RTS, Retirement Teenager Syndrome. The happiest teenagers and old folks I know are the ones who are NOT focused on self-indulgence, but are busy sharing their lives with others.
-“Caretaking is an imposition.” You might be surprised to learn that your kids don’t mind the hours with you at the doctor’s office or the midnight trips to the emergency room. In fact, they might actually savor the quite and tenderness of those moments spent waiting with you.
-“Nobody is interested in the elderly.” The truth is that in many cultures, the elderly are still esteemed for their wisdom. In our own culture, I meet young people all the time who are craving the interest of someone wiser. The trick is to be wise enough to recognize the need and secure enough to offer whatever you can.
My kids and I met a retired gentleman recently at the picture framing counter who is a perfect example of offering whatever you can. He simply congratulated my daughter about her diploma. A few words later and we were pressing him with questions about his experience as a Korean veteran. He is now a friend and a valuable source of insight. All because he took a minute to encourage a young person.
“Drawing closer to the Lord and wanting others to do so too,” is crucial explained one friend, adding with a grin, “at our age, you know you’re gonna face Him sooner rather than later.”
So, what’s the best way to avoid getting caught in the trap of mythology about aging?
Spend time with young people.
If your grandkids live far away, why not adopt some more close to home? Next door. At church. By tutoring kids who need help with school work.
Why not do what my granddaddy did? Grab a cane pole and take a young person fishing.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

Father’s Day: A True Apology is an Act of Courage.

A true apology is an act of courage.
I was so fortunate to grow up in a home where apologies were modeled at intervals, when appropriate, by a dad who took his parenting responsibilities seriously.
I only appreciated this phenomenon, when, as an adult, I began to recognize how many of my friends had NEVER heard an apology from their dad. EVER.
Sure, my dad lost his patience with three rowdy kids from time to time. But, I never remember a time when he didn’t follow a cross word with a heartfelt apology.
For instance, in typically generous fashion, my parents decided that the thing to do was drive all three kids to Disney World. Yeah, they were habitually naive about how well-behaved their kiddoes would be in the car.
Having patiently ignored and endured two days of bickering, interrupted by complaining, my parents nerves were beginning to fray about the time we reached the freeway in California during rush hour. Finally, my dad turned around and chewed us out.
All was silent in the car.
Suddenly, the silence was interrupted by the flashing lights and siren behind us that can mean only one thing; my dad was fixing to get a ticket.
As kids, it seemed like an act of God.
Amazingly, after the officer pulled away, my dad did the truly miraculous, no, heroic thing and apologized to us kids for losing his temper.
On a side note, I don’t think any one of us kids apologized for our attitudes. Personally, I remember gloating inwardly, just demonstrating again that children want justice for everyone but themselves.
There are plenty of ways to apologize which are cowardly. We’ve all experienced the kind of apology that only dodges responsibility.
So, what makes a true apology?
-Take responsibility for what you did or said. Simply and clearly, “I am sorry that I….”
-Don’t point out the other person’s faults. Period.
- Saying the words “Will you forgive me?” gives the person the chance to decide.
-Accept their answer. That’s it. If they need more time, then that’s their responsibility. You are free.
The reason the three rowdy backseat siblings like to laugh now about the time our dad got pulled over, instead of say, complaining to a psychologist, is because Dad had the guts and integrity to apologize to us. Wow.
Just a quick acknowledgement that he lost his patience with us. That’s all it took to convey a world of good mental health to his kids.
This Father’s Day, if your kids have never heard you apologize, please change the ebb and flow of your relationship by acknowledging the things that weigh on your conscience.
Give your kiddoes a heart to laugh.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.

The Gift of Perspective, Mom’s Day 2009

Life has a way of putting things into perspective.
My mom is the kind of person who everybody wishes would mentor them.
Even if I could list all the community service she has done over the years, I wouldn’t do it. She’d be mad at me for the attention. And, even though I’m fifty now, she is still my mom and I know better than to mess with her.
Anyway, the things she did around my home town are not nearly as impressive as the things she did accidentally along the way with her kids.
Take, for instance, the last time we saw her Uncle Ernest alive.
Ernest Wilson grew up on a farm with four other brothers, eeking out a living in a family accustomed to the struggle of surviving.
He volunteered for WWII and soon found himself assigned to Dwight D. Eisenhower. After the war, he was invited to stay on as personal secretary to the general, soon to be president.
It was an invitation Ernest turned down because he had other dreams.
So, he came back to Texas, studied geology and was soon helping to guarantee that our nation’s oil supplies would be coming out of the ground in Texas.
At which point, he did a profound thing with his newfound wealth.
He paid for his nieces to go to college. Thus, my mom became a geologist herself. And she also met a cute Austin boy with a charming personality at the university.
The last time I saw Uncle Ernest, he was a few days away from death, pretty much comatose, in a nursing home in Dallas.
I can imagine my mom’s perspective; it was probably a difficult decision to take us kids to see him in that condition. She would have worried that we would remember him the wrong way, as frail rather than amazing.
My perspective is entirely different, of course.
I remember the tender way she sat on the edge of his bed and whispered her affection to him. I remember that he stirred briefly as if to respond.
Mom and I were remembering that day recently and we wondered what Uncle Ernest’s perspective would have been.
Was he disappointed to be confined to a bed, this man with the insatiable drive? Honestly, he didn’t seem restless at all; he seemed peaceful.
When you think about it from a certain perspective, sleep feels pretty good.
Waking occasionally to find someone you love hovering over you to tenderly tell you again how much they love and appreciate you, that’s pretty good, too.
This is how you treat the people you love, I remember thinking as a kid.
Thanks, Mom. I’m the lucky kid who got to be mentored by you in the quiet, accidental places where Life really matters.
And Happy Mother’s Day to all the gentle, loving moms out there, mentoring as you go.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.