The following is a true story. For the most part.
“Guess what happened this morning at the site,” said my husband over the phone as I drove to a neighboring community to meet with a newspaper publisher.
The last time he asked a question like that, he and his dad were attempting to get control of a blow-out. Wouldn’t you assume that a gusher blowing oil all over Timbuktu would be a good thing? Just goes to show you what a green horn I am when it comes to the oil business.
Blow-outs mean trouble for would-be oil tycoons because they are a mess. It turns out you can’t sell oil that is spilling out all over the ground, plus, there’s the expensive, but necessary clean-up. Bummer.
That was years ago, but I learned to appreciate an answer like “not much” when I ask my husband about his work day.
Each and every pump jack in Texas has a fence around it now days, as you may have noticed. No more invitations to teenage boys to do the obviously life-threatening thing, I guess.
Turns out that somebody out there knows even less about dangerous, expensive oil equipment than I do, though.
“We got to the location and there was a steer INSIDE the fence!” my husband announced over the phone, “I guess the cattle owner wanted to separate the steer from the rest of the herd.” Implying that the steer was a ferocious beast.
“Okay, I know you didn’t let your pumper go anywhere near that steer. Please tell me you did not do what I think you did,” I responded.
Please understand that I have children with this man.
“The pumper held the gate while I ran past the steer and turned off the pump!”
And he thought it was fun. I could tell by the tone of his voice. Then they waited for the cattle owner to come and round up the beast.
Well, the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree because you should have heard our son when my husband told the story at dinner that night.
I had to get out my shovel because we were getting boot deep in bull…uh…manure around the table.
It turns out the steer had udders. Horns, too, of course, but mighty short ones I began to suspect.
Okay, I don’t know much about the oil business or cattle, but even I know that steers do not make milk. Which could explain why the animal was separated from her offspring.
“Dad, when you tell this story, you should say that you were wearing a red shirt and the steer chased you around and around the pump jack!” said my son.
Not that his dad needs any help with tall tales.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.
Monday, April 13, 2009
All My Friends Are Movie Stars
All my friends are movie stars. I’m not sure when this trend began, several years ago I think, but its in full force now.
There’s the nice young man at the bank who remembers all my account numbers for me and is something of a financial guru, Jeremy Irons.
And there’s the funeral home director, Jimmy Stewart, who I invariably introduce to someone else about once a month, as I attend the funerals of all the people who used to seem like old folks to me.
There’s the publisher at the paper who I have asked for as Calvin Klein. You can imagine the blank stares this produced.
Can you imagine how surprised my kids were to learn that my first date in high school was with Jerry Falwell?
Of course, there’s my old high school buddy, Lorne Greene.
“Do you think he noticed that I called him Lorne Greene?” I asked my husband after I introduced them at a little league game a few years ago.
“Maybe his hearing isn’t what it used to be,” answered my husband.
One can only hope.
“Who is Lorne Greene?” asked a young friend recently when I was explaining my movie star problem.
Okay, if you’re under forty, and you actually read my column, which is doubtful unless you are my children, in which case you read faithfully to see what I’m writing about you publically this week, Lorne Greene is the dad on Bonanza. My kids already know this because one of them has a thing about Bonanza and the rest of us have suffered through re-runs for approximately ten of his twelve years of life.
Lorne Greene passed away in 1987. This could be awkward if I have to introduce him to anybody else besides my husband.
I don’t know who attended Lorne’s funeral, but I assume it was a bunch of movie stars. I wasn’t invited.
Speaking of funerals, have you noticed that the obituary pictures just got a lot bigger in one of our regional newspapers?
Personally, I think this is a great marketing idea. Obviously, there are some of us who turn to the obits first every morning. Sad, but true.
Now, I can see those bigger pictures without my reading glasses. This is a great mercy because I can’t always remember where my glasses are.
I suspect my friend, Cindy Crawford, who helps me with the housekeeping, is hiding them from me.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.
There’s the nice young man at the bank who remembers all my account numbers for me and is something of a financial guru, Jeremy Irons.
And there’s the funeral home director, Jimmy Stewart, who I invariably introduce to someone else about once a month, as I attend the funerals of all the people who used to seem like old folks to me.
There’s the publisher at the paper who I have asked for as Calvin Klein. You can imagine the blank stares this produced.
Can you imagine how surprised my kids were to learn that my first date in high school was with Jerry Falwell?
Of course, there’s my old high school buddy, Lorne Greene.
“Do you think he noticed that I called him Lorne Greene?” I asked my husband after I introduced them at a little league game a few years ago.
“Maybe his hearing isn’t what it used to be,” answered my husband.
One can only hope.
“Who is Lorne Greene?” asked a young friend recently when I was explaining my movie star problem.
Okay, if you’re under forty, and you actually read my column, which is doubtful unless you are my children, in which case you read faithfully to see what I’m writing about you publically this week, Lorne Greene is the dad on Bonanza. My kids already know this because one of them has a thing about Bonanza and the rest of us have suffered through re-runs for approximately ten of his twelve years of life.
Lorne Greene passed away in 1987. This could be awkward if I have to introduce him to anybody else besides my husband.
I don’t know who attended Lorne’s funeral, but I assume it was a bunch of movie stars. I wasn’t invited.
Speaking of funerals, have you noticed that the obituary pictures just got a lot bigger in one of our regional newspapers?
Personally, I think this is a great marketing idea. Obviously, there are some of us who turn to the obits first every morning. Sad, but true.
Now, I can see those bigger pictures without my reading glasses. This is a great mercy because I can’t always remember where my glasses are.
I suspect my friend, Cindy Crawford, who helps me with the housekeeping, is hiding them from me.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.
I’m NOT Going Through Menopause
I’m fifty and I’m not going through menopause.
I know this because every year I have my doctor draw blood and check it. Who knew there’s a test for menopausal women?
This only became a question because my husband kept saying, ‘Oh, you’re just going through menopause.”
No, I’m just super-sensitive and it has nothing at all to do with menopause thank you very much.
Most women, and apparently their husbands, dread menopause.
Let me just say that having your last child late in life does affect your perspective. When I started experiencing symptoms at 38, I thought then that I was probably just going through menopause early. I was afraid to tell anyone I was pregnant, for fear I’d have to go back and explain it was just a hot flash.
Now every time I get symptoms of any kind I think I’m pregnant. Not that I’m neurotic or anything.
All my friends, of a certain age you understand, are going through menopause, so I feel kinda left out. I’m really due to be menopausal. I’ve earned it.
I’m looking forward to having an excuse for my temper tantrums.
“Oh, Mom’s just menopausal,” I imagine my children saying as they tiptoe around the house avoiding my hypersensitive feelings.
“But you better clean up your room anyway,” they’ll add tenderly. In my fantasy world.
The reason that menopause hasn’t struck me yet is bound to be because I had that child late in life.
Or maybe it’s because I just love my estrogen cream.
It’s fragrance-free, plus it goes on like silk.
The instructions say to use only a dab, so I am not recommending the following course of action. I have no idea what the consequences are; side-effects could involve additional mammary glands, sort of like the blue Hindu goddesses I see in art museums.
But I spread that cream all over. In gobs.
I really like it as a face cream. Originally, I had hoped that it might hold back the wrinkles. Uh, no, that doesn’t work. Apparently.
I also love yams. And soy. I developed a taste for all-things-estrogen when my daughters moved away and left an estrogen vacuum at my house.
Suddenly, I found myself overwhelmed with testosterone. Or, as one of my friends said when they got their new puppy, “No more penises!”
I joined my mother’s garden club. I went back to my sorority meetings. Anything to be with other women.
I call my mom a lot. Bless her.
“You know, men go through menopause, too,” she told me.
What a relief. I bet that explains why my husband is so super-sensitive.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.
I know this because every year I have my doctor draw blood and check it. Who knew there’s a test for menopausal women?
This only became a question because my husband kept saying, ‘Oh, you’re just going through menopause.”
No, I’m just super-sensitive and it has nothing at all to do with menopause thank you very much.
Most women, and apparently their husbands, dread menopause.
Let me just say that having your last child late in life does affect your perspective. When I started experiencing symptoms at 38, I thought then that I was probably just going through menopause early. I was afraid to tell anyone I was pregnant, for fear I’d have to go back and explain it was just a hot flash.
Now every time I get symptoms of any kind I think I’m pregnant. Not that I’m neurotic or anything.
All my friends, of a certain age you understand, are going through menopause, so I feel kinda left out. I’m really due to be menopausal. I’ve earned it.
I’m looking forward to having an excuse for my temper tantrums.
“Oh, Mom’s just menopausal,” I imagine my children saying as they tiptoe around the house avoiding my hypersensitive feelings.
“But you better clean up your room anyway,” they’ll add tenderly. In my fantasy world.
The reason that menopause hasn’t struck me yet is bound to be because I had that child late in life.
Or maybe it’s because I just love my estrogen cream.
It’s fragrance-free, plus it goes on like silk.
The instructions say to use only a dab, so I am not recommending the following course of action. I have no idea what the consequences are; side-effects could involve additional mammary glands, sort of like the blue Hindu goddesses I see in art museums.
But I spread that cream all over. In gobs.
I really like it as a face cream. Originally, I had hoped that it might hold back the wrinkles. Uh, no, that doesn’t work. Apparently.
I also love yams. And soy. I developed a taste for all-things-estrogen when my daughters moved away and left an estrogen vacuum at my house.
Suddenly, I found myself overwhelmed with testosterone. Or, as one of my friends said when they got their new puppy, “No more penises!”
I joined my mother’s garden club. I went back to my sorority meetings. Anything to be with other women.
I call my mom a lot. Bless her.
“You know, men go through menopause, too,” she told me.
What a relief. I bet that explains why my husband is so super-sensitive.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.
Son of Man
Why didn’t he refer to himself as the Son of God?
Others called him Son of God, of course, but he called himself the Son of Man.
Why not claim the more impressive title? He deserved it after all.
Everywhere he went, Life sprang out of his words, his touch, his compassion. Just to touch the hem of his garment meant health. Health and Life and Power trailed after him like the followers who recognized and affirmed his Life-giving Nature with their curiosity or their adoration and awe.
Fruitless trees withered under the clarity of his Divine Purpose and Nature.
It makes sense that he would claim the unpretentious title, of course. He would leave room for humans to draw their own conclusions; to exercise their free will to decide who he is.
As I traveled along in my faith, I realized that the real miracle of the scriptures is summarized in the words, “God with us.”
This theme is repeated often by the New Testament writers, people who knew him personally and observed his Nature firsthand. Those guys who were trusted with the “Word of God” and received the gift of speaking in foreign languages instantaneously at Pentacost, recognized that he was the translation of God to humans
Recognizing the Creator’s astonishing Force, meant recognizing the difficulty that humans would have understanding One whose very Nature is Good and All-powerful.
Along the way, I grew to understand that God sought out humans to be his spiritual companions; this One, this Creator; this Force of Nature. His love transcended the limits of the creature who could not comprehend such a limitless Being. He sought us out in our limited perspective, inviting us to experience him in terms we could understand.
When the writers describe Jesus as the one in whom all things exist and have their being, they mean it. They got the message. They watched the “translation” and understood exactly Who they were dealing with. Peter stated “You are the Son of God.”
There it is again. That unclaimed title.
Most recently, I begin to believe that for Jesus, the real miracle was the miracle of existing in the flesh.
For him, to exist as the Creator was his very nature.
On the other hand, to limit that Creative Force, by translating himself into the form of a man and then to live within the confines that are inherent in his created, physical universe, that was the miracle; the true demonstration of his power.
The power of his love, actually.
For him, the real accomplishment, the real miracle, was to be the Son of Man.
No wonder Son of Man was the title he claimed.
Son of Man is also the title that honors the Creator’s Love for us.
The Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.
Others called him Son of God, of course, but he called himself the Son of Man.
Why not claim the more impressive title? He deserved it after all.
Everywhere he went, Life sprang out of his words, his touch, his compassion. Just to touch the hem of his garment meant health. Health and Life and Power trailed after him like the followers who recognized and affirmed his Life-giving Nature with their curiosity or their adoration and awe.
Fruitless trees withered under the clarity of his Divine Purpose and Nature.
It makes sense that he would claim the unpretentious title, of course. He would leave room for humans to draw their own conclusions; to exercise their free will to decide who he is.
As I traveled along in my faith, I realized that the real miracle of the scriptures is summarized in the words, “God with us.”
This theme is repeated often by the New Testament writers, people who knew him personally and observed his Nature firsthand. Those guys who were trusted with the “Word of God” and received the gift of speaking in foreign languages instantaneously at Pentacost, recognized that he was the translation of God to humans
Recognizing the Creator’s astonishing Force, meant recognizing the difficulty that humans would have understanding One whose very Nature is Good and All-powerful.
Along the way, I grew to understand that God sought out humans to be his spiritual companions; this One, this Creator; this Force of Nature. His love transcended the limits of the creature who could not comprehend such a limitless Being. He sought us out in our limited perspective, inviting us to experience him in terms we could understand.
When the writers describe Jesus as the one in whom all things exist and have their being, they mean it. They got the message. They watched the “translation” and understood exactly Who they were dealing with. Peter stated “You are the Son of God.”
There it is again. That unclaimed title.
Most recently, I begin to believe that for Jesus, the real miracle was the miracle of existing in the flesh.
For him, to exist as the Creator was his very nature.
On the other hand, to limit that Creative Force, by translating himself into the form of a man and then to live within the confines that are inherent in his created, physical universe, that was the miracle; the true demonstration of his power.
The power of his love, actually.
For him, the real accomplishment, the real miracle, was to be the Son of Man.
No wonder Son of Man was the title he claimed.
Son of Man is also the title that honors the Creator’s Love for us.
The Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http:/checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.
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