Words We Don't Use

There is a three letter word we don’t use at our house and it starts with an f.
If you don’t know which word I mean, then you obviously have a good relationship with your bathroom scales.
At our house, we say soft. Or, my personal favorite, suave, which is the word for soft in espanol.
Suave. Don’t ya just love it?
Of course, no man wants to be referred to as soft, so we have masculine euphemisms, too.
My favorite is the way we refer to the tire around the middle of a middle-aged man as his security. You know, in the event of a famine, security could be useful. I am just practical that way.
I finally reached a truce with my scales. I ignore them and they consequently ignore me.
That was right before the scales broke, not that I cared.
My bathroom mirror, on the other hand, is a thing of delightful enchantment.
Don’t ask me how I became the happy owner of a mirror that invariably makes me look skinny, young, wrinkleless, and sag-free.
It was a gift from my mom-in-law for our first home.
How did she purchase the perfect gift? Perhaps from a wandering gipsy caravan? From a retired circus performer?
I don’t know, but I am pretty sure it is one of a kind and I am not sharing it.
I will certainly triple wrap the priceless mirror, if I ever have to move again, even to the nursing home. I am finally at an age to fully appreciate the worth of such a remarkable object.
It is possible that it is not the mirror at all. I could just be an anti-rexic. I always see myself as eighteen and quite skinny. This is clearly a psychic disorder, but I refuse to take medication for it.
Unfortunately, my closet is not so accommodating.
Somewhere between my bathroom mirror and my blue jeans, I gain ten pounds.
Good grief. I cannot explain this phenomenon; I only know that it is true. I can tell by the way I have to strain to get the jeans zipped and buttoned.
There are other f-words, of course. If you have an elementary school child, you already know that the kids at school use an f-word every time someone passes gas.
There’s the s-word too, which is for kids that are the opposite of smart.
And, if the s-word does not suffice, there is always the d-word.
I would tell you what the d-word is, but I’m no dummy.
Oops.
We don’t use those words at our house.
Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com or cathykrafve@gmail.com.