Hi-Tech Redneck

There was a shiny new piece of hi-tech equipment with a big red velveteen bow parked in my driveway Christmas morning.

It seems my husband believes I should have a new vehicle every 200,000 miles or every 10 years, whether I am ready or not.

My problem is I am just not that good of a driver. How am I supposed to drive and find all the new buttons?

Did you know they don’t even put tape players in cars anymore?

Now if you haven’t shopped for cars in ten years, you’re in for some astonishing space-agey, new fangled gadgets. For instance, I don’t have to touch my hatchback any more to get it to close. There’s a button for that.

Oh and they don’t call ‘em hatchbacks anymore either.

Jeremy Lade looked at me with understanding patience in his eyes and explained that I would probably love sync technology once I got used to it. Bless his heart.

So just what is sync technology?

Well, as best as I can figure so far, I talk to my steering wheel and it dials my iphone for me somehow. Okay, so maybe I’ll admit that the road has been a more dangerous place since I got my iphone. And maybe I’ll admit I find myself checking emails as I drive. Did you know there’s an ap for Facebook?

This technological hot rod came with four- count ‘em, four- books. One whole book is devoted solely to making phone calls.

I have a simple solution to so much information. I just drive by the dealership for another lesson.

The guys at Lade have amazing customer service, especially for technologically challenged middle-aged mom-types.

But I’m seriously concerned about Ford’s future truck sales and here’s why:

My sporty little Edge doesn’t understand Jeremy too well.

Every time Jeremy spoke a command, the car’s screen said, listening…listening…listening….

I suspect my techy new Silver Bullet - yep, that’s what my teenage son and I call our new voice activated joy ride - is listening for the King’s English.

“I guess I can’t tell my car I’m fixin’ to call someone, huh Jeremy,” I said.

He laughed and gave me the title for this column.

I’m thinking those engineers at Ford better come up with a computer that listens for a Texas twang or they are gonna have some disappointed cowboys singing songs about losing their true loves because their pick up truck couldn’t dial her number.

And maybe trucks should answer with a younger, sexier voice.

My son suggested Carrie Underwood.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Resolutions. Really?

I just hate resolutions. They sound so political. As if we are proposing some government agreement that is personally binding. Ick. As appealing as taxes.

“I set 8 goals last year and I’ve only got one left,” said a twenty-something friend about November of last year.

I was impressed; my resolutions never make it into February. Plus, eight is less than one accomplishment a month. Definitely do-able.

And it was cool stuff, too, like a bucket list.

“I’m sending you the abridged version,” laughed my friend when I asked him for his 2010 list. Before I could wonder what he left off, he added, “It’s going to include swimming in the Krafve’s pool once a week.”

In 2009, this young man managed to run a half marathon in under two hours, open a Roth IRA, save money for retirement, begin saving money for a down payment on a house, buy a serious piece of fun sports equipment, build his website, come close to running a six-minute mile, pull together one of his projects and submit it for a state-wide award.

He’s not even 25-years-old yet. Wow!

Notice how measurable and practical his ideas are. And there’s fun in the mix.

So, what’s he got on the agenda for 2010?

-Run a half-mile in under 1:50.

-Run a 6-minute mile.

-Learn to play harmonica

-Read the bible every day; no matter how short the passage. At least crack it open.

-Win a work-related award.

-Open a money market account and invest.

-Become conversational in Spanish.

-Do a 100-mile bike race.

-Choose a three-course meal and perfect cooking it.

Yeah, I like his list so much, I’m having trouble making my own set of goals for 2010.

Let’s just tell the truth; a fifty-something mom-type is not going to run a six-minute mile. However, but I am thinking of putting at least one of his ideas on my own list.

Yeah, if you change swimming, to laying out by the pool and working on my tan once a week, I’ll have the beginning of a list I can relate to.

Goals. I like the sound of that. And I still have eleven months to go.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Social Networking. Good Grief!

I was trying not to be distracted by the fishnet hose, the French beret, and the incredibly stylish retro jacket.

So much fashion sense and brains to boot. Life is not fair.

I was supposed to be picking Megan Strout’s brain about social networking/social media for ways to help my readers, you understand. One benefit of being a writer is you never have to admit you are clueless you just pretend your readers need to know.

So, just what is social networking?

“It’s a cocktail party,” says Meg with her usual impish grin. She totally knows I’m baffled.

“By that I mean, it’s where you go to meet interesting people and learn new things,” she explains.

She tells me that by using free sites like Facebook and Twitter you can also market yourself, your business, your favorite charity or events.

She claims social networking is a great way to make new friends.

“What about the scary people,” I ask, thinking of her parents and how much they want her to be safe. Apparently, there are a thousand mysterious ways you can avoid scary people with technology, using a block, whatever that is. She assures me that avoiding trouble on the Internet is a lot like avoiding it in real life, common sense.

She showed me an app (that’s short for application) called yelp.com available on techy cell phones. Apparently it’s an example of the coolest new thing in social networking, “Location-Based Social Review Sites” as Meg calls them.

Strategic if you have a small business; an excellent way to find out who loves your business, keep in touch with customers, and get honest feedback on customer issues that can be corrected.

She typed Mexican Food into the search window of her iphone and up popped nearby restaurants. One great restaurant had a terrific and accurate review. My personal favorite did not.

If you have a small business, you can go to yelp.com and write a review or offer a coupon-type incentive for folks to come by.

Personally, I’m totally freaked out that Meg’s iphone knew where we were.

“GPS,” she explains. There’s that impish grin again.

Still, I’ve already installed yelp.com on my iphone. They make you take a picture before you can post a review.

After several really awful pictures of myself, I opted for a picture of the K on my keyboard. Not a bad shot.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Warning Ticket Prayer

“Ma’am, when was the last time you got a ticket?”

The rubber met the road in that moment because the truth is simple; I’ve gotten too many warning tickets to count lately. But how could I explain that to the nice motorcycle cop in the sunglasses and the helmet standing at my window?

Desperately searching for a technicality, I thought, “Do warning tickets even count?”

I hate technicalities. Whenever I find myself depending on technicalities instead of the truth, I know I’ve missed the point; the rock solid ground of integrity based on truth. Technicalities are simply the tricky mind’s way of avoiding the truth. Yuck.

“If I tell you the truth, you will think I’m trying to manipulate you,” I said.

“Try me.” His face was stern, but there was a smile in his voice.

“Every time, I see the lights flashing in the rear view mirror I thank God. I think that is why I get warnings.”

Not a normal response I know, but there’s more to the story.

You see, on a particularly frantic afternoon in the Fall about four year’s ago, as we sped to pick up the beloved family pet which I had forgotten to retrieve from the vet’s office, I was pulled over on one of the country roads near my house by a very polite and professional DPS officer.

I knew in an instant I would get a warning that day because sitting next to me was the same person who remembered the dog. He was dressed for dinner with his grandparents in what was his favorite outfit; a starched shirt, khakis, a big lone star belt buckle and a cowboy hat which was a special gift from a DPS friend. Law-enforcement guys have been my son’s heroes since he was eye-level with their holsters.

When my son pulled off his cowboy hat, even though he had been instructed to be perfectly quiet, and showed the officer the lone star in the lining of the hat which is unique to the DPS, I knew I would be ticket-free.

But that’s only the beginning of the story because within a few weeks, we saw that same officer’s picture on the front page of area papers when he was wounded in the line of duty.

Since then my flashing light prayer goes like this, “Thank You Lord that for the next twenty or so minutes this officer will be safe and treated respectfully. Thank You for his devotion to duty and for letting us live in a country with peace and laws, not technicalities. Thank you for the wife or mother who is praying for him today with me. Please continue to protect him.”

I’m not saying this prayer will keep you from getting real tickets.

I’m just saying that for at least fifteen minutes you could be somebody’s answer to prayer.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.

Ribbon Solutions

I have a simple solution to life’s stress.

Buy more ribbon.

I don’t know when my ribbon fetish began. Probably during childhood adventures with my grandmother, scouring second-hand stores and discount fabric stores for other people’s cast offs of useful items like zippers, buttons, and thread. The pay-off for restless granddaughters was a yard of any ribbon we chose, a real luxury in those days and an inspired bribe on Meme’s part, since choosing only one yard from so many colorful, temptations was certainly excruciatingly time consuming for young intellects.

I was reminded of our human tendency to prepare for life in odd ways recently when I uncovered the stash of ribbon I had collected in the months preceding my daughter’s wedding almost two years ago.

Like a squirrel hoards nuts, I had gathered spools of silky satin and shiny iridescent ribbon and hidden them away in an unmarked box just in case.

How having ribbon would prepare anyone for the transition of having your children grow up and begin families of their own is a quagmire of human illogic and dysfunction that only a professional psychologist could unravel.

All I know is, “You never know when the perfect ribbon will come in handy.”

Which reminds me of another motto, “Whoever has the most fabric when they die, wins.”

I have known women who built shelf-lined closets specifically to organize their addiction to fabric, justifying it with the words, “But I love to quilt.” And perhaps because they wanted to avoid trips to marriage counseling, their husbands seemed well-adjusted to this concept.

Or maybe those same husbands have a closet devoted to golf.

Like so many mid-lifers, I’m trading stuff for space these days; getting rid of the stuff and gaining room in my closets.

So, what to do with all this ribbon?

Well, the obvious thing, of course. Pass it along, with the fetish, to my oldest daughter, the artist.

And what she doesn’t want can be used to wrap up Christmas at our house this year.

I just hope my family and friends don’t become suspicious when the ribbon on their Christmas packages looks more wedding-ish than holiday-ish.

And I hope your holidays are wrapped and decorated with sweet family memories.

Cathy Primer Krafve, aka Checklist Charlie, lives and writes with a Texas twang. Comments are invited at http://checklistcharlie.blogspot.com.